true confessions

I betrayed my best friend

Friday, March 17, 2006

My friend and I had a very close friendship throughout school and beyond. A few years ago we both attended the same training course, at the end of which only five employment places were given. Being a bit cocky and thinking I was a natural success in anything I set my mind to, I sailed through the course confident I would get one of the roles. My friend struggled through it, finding it harder but enjoying the challenge.

When "graduation" day came and the places were announced, my total disbelief at missing out and my friend getting one of the elite positions was evident. My friend was so apologetic and even though she had worked hard to get her position, I thought I had been better! I tactfully and politely congratulated her and left, seething inside.

After a few depressing weeks at home, I realised I really did have a problem. This incident had started to take over my life. I was depressed, angry and most of all, I had lost my self-esteem after being so cocky. Instead of picking myself up and starting afresh, I slunk lower and lower. My friend and I hardly talked anymore as well, as she had such a busy schedule in her new role which she "absolutely loved" and she would gush in her hurried calls to me.

A few months down the track, I bumped into one of the other girls from the training course, who I knew to be nice enough but a bit vindictive on the side. We decided to have a quick coffee and a chat and quickly she launched into the details of her new role that she had secured, and the ins and outs of her fellow workers. It was just a girly chat, quite harmless, until the green-eyed monster took me over.

Later on that day I was mortified to remember the horrid details I had passed on to this loose-lipped girl about my friend who had won one of the positions. Even though this girl had promised her absolute confidentiality I knew these rumours would somehow get around. These horrible stories that had spilled from my mouth about my friend's forays into threesomes and affairs with previous employers had little to do with the actual truth. I went home that day with a sinking feeling in my stomach — why had I done this? I had let this obsession with one small failure take over too much of my life.

A week later my friend rang in tears; someone had been telling terrible lies about her personal life and now she was being subjected to the cold shoulder, vindictive giggles behind her back and suggestive glances from leering male co-workers. I couldn't confess; I was such a coward. I just sat and listened, like a friend should naturally do.

She would ring me week after week and I could tell her new life that she loved had deteriorated around her — all from my bitterness. She ended up finding work elsewhere but I'm still sitting and waiting for my dream job to come around, which I believe I don't really deserve anyway. Not after what I did while being a "so-called" best friend.

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