true confessions

True Confessions Agony Aunt: I hate my Stepson

Monday, April 23, 2012
True Confessions Agony Aunt: I hate my Stepson
"I can honestly say if I never saw him again I wouldn't shed a tear or miss him one single bit! It would be AWSOME if he moved out of state and I could never see him again..."

Question:


Being a stepmother is my worst nightmare. I never had the desire or yearned children of my own but fell in love with a man who has his son 85 per cent of the time. I thought I could hack it, but I am really at the end of my tether. My stepson Harry disrespects me even though I have bent over backwards for him and have always put in 150 percent effort with him.

Visitation with his mother is very much to her convenience, she drives a nice car and lives in a wealthy neighbourhood yet she only pays $100 a month in child support! My husband refuses to remodify the payments because he doesn't want to cause waves. I can kind of see his point of view, however, the situation leaves me financially drained. It's just not fair to me. And though I have been more of a mother figure than his mum I am not treated as an equal.

I am becoming increasingly unhappy with the situation and have bailed before but I truly love my husband and have returned to try to make things work. However, as bad as this sounds I really feel nothing at all for my stepson. He is eight-years-old and I am only going through the motions of being a step-parent. I am relieved when he is at his mother's house and enjoy the time away from him. I dread when he comes back.

I would never harm him in anyway but I wish so badly that he would just go live with his mother. I can honestly say if I never saw him again I wouldn't shed a tear or miss him one single bit! It would be AWSOME if he moved out of state and I could never see him again. I love the alone time with my husband and the only reason I have lasted this long is because I love him so much. I know this may sound selfish, but I miss my husband.

Answer:


You’ve already left once and say you’re back because you truly love your husband but he comes as a package with his child and your first decision has to be whether you accept this or not. If not they will be better off without you and that decision might actually be taken by your husband when he realises that your attitude and actions could well cause damage to his little boy.

If you sincerely want to make a go of it then the effort has to come from you as well as the recognition that you need to look honestly at your behaviour. Whatever you might think, you have not given 150 per cent nor are you a mother figure to this little boy, who appears to be let down badly by both you and his mother so his father’s love and affection will be even more important. By all means enjoy the time alone with your husband, but stop thinking about yourself the rest of the time, and if you want to be treated as an equal then behave like one.

If you can’t love your stepson then at least treat him with respect, as you would anyone else of importance to your husband. Talk to your husband without being negative about his son and ask him what he thinks would make life easier all round for the three of you. Work as a team with him to make his son feel loved and cherished. Children are very intuitive and he will know that you don’t like him and can’t wait to be rid of him, so you cannot expect a positive response or any sort of warm relationship until you put the real effort in yourself.

You’ve built a strong and loving relationship with his dad and you need to build one with him so try doing some things together just for the two of you. It could be connected to his dad, like organising a birthday treat or cooking him a special meal, because one thing you have in common is that you both love the same person and can start from that angle.

At the heart of this is the simple fact that you fell in love with a man who is a fantastic dad and he always will be but whether or not he is always your husband will undoubtedly be affected by how you treat his son. You don’t have to be your step son’s mother but if you get this right you and he could have a very strong friendship which can only enhance your marriage.

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