true confessions

I fantasize about another man

Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I fantasize about another man
As I hugged him in greeting goose bumps raced up my spine. He was better looking than I remembered and his smile had my legs going weak...

Two years ago I was at a conference for work. I had just started my job and was still trying to get my head around things with no idea what I was meant to be doing. I sat down at an empty table and stared at the program in front of me, wondering how I was going to survive the next couple of days without looking like a complete idiot. I felt the chair next to me move and turned to look up at the person who was going to sit next to me.

To my surprise and delight, it was a very good looking young man. He smiled at me and told me his name was Bryan. I smiled back and introduced myself. From that moment on, Bryan and I got along famously. We chatted non-stop in the breaks and sat next to each other during the conference dinners.

On the last night of the conference, we both drank a little too much an he decided to escort me back to my motel. On the way there, as we walked through the park, I stopped and looked at him. Without warning, he leant down and kissed me.

That kiss was amazing. It sent goose bumps up and down my spine. We ended up back at my motel, where we spent the night. The next day we said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch. Neither of us was ready for a relationship and besides we lived in different countries. As promised, we kept in touch via email and Facebook, but as time passed, we went from several emails a day to one or two a month.

About four months later, I met Liam. He was tall, dark and handsome, and we seemed to click. We had heaps in common and were extremely attracted to each other. Three months later we decided to give things a go and have a relationship.

As the months passed, Liam and I fell more and more in love and though our jobs took us all over the country, we only had eyes for each other. We started talking long term about buying a house, marriage and children. I had never been so happy with someone. Almost 18 months after we started our relationship, the conference I had been at two years earlier rolled around again and I was set to attend.

I was so excited to be going back. I was now confident and successful in my role and was ready to show off how much I had improved. I hopped on my international flight ready to take on the world. I got dressed for the welcome mixer and smiled as I left. I looked great and felt confident. I walked into the room and started to mingle, enjoying catching up with people I knew and meeting others for the first time.

I walked over to the bar to get a new glass of wine and as I looked up my eyes met a pair of deep, dark eyes looking straight at me … it was Bryan. I had not even thought about the possibility of him being there. As I looked into his eyes and made my way over to him, my mind was going crazy. Flashbacks were spinning through my mind and my heart rate sped up.

As I hugged him in greeting, shivers raced up my spine. He was better looking than I remembered and his smile had my legs going weak. Once again, we spent the conference talking and catching up. It was so easy to fall into how it had been two years ago. If we were in other groups, he would often catch my eye and wink or smile at me. Every time our legs or arms touched I would get goose bumps, and I wanted him to grab me and kiss me all over again.

In my mind, I knew that if he made a move I would not be able to resist. At the end of the conference we said our goodbyes and our farewell hug lingered a bit longer than perhaps it should have. I was sad and happy at the same time. I wanted him so badly my body ached for it, but I had stayed true to the man I loved.

Liam met me when I hopped off my flight and as I embraced him then, and later on when we made love, my mind was still full of Bryan. I pictured that it was him I was with. Each night I go to sleep dreaming of what it would be like if Bryan were in Liam's place, and each morning I wake up to once again see that it is never going to happen.

Each day I fall in love with Liam all over again. But part of me will always wonder if it would have worked with Bryan. I dread and look forward to the day we are once again in the same room.

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