true confessions

I pretended to cheat to escape my relationship

Thursday, September 6, 2012
I pretended to cheat to escape my relationship
A week before he was going to move into my flat, I tried to have the “break up” conversation again, which ended with him moving in a day earlier. These types of events followed for the next five months and I was getting really frustrated with myself for not having the strength to be honest with David. By now he had mapped out our whole lives together and I didn’t want a bar of it.

I met David three years ago at my local dog park. He had the cutest Jack Russell that ran straight over to my poodle. It was like a scene out of one of those rom-com movies. Our dogs started to play around, while we got talking. We both had an instant attraction to one another and it didn’t take long until we were meeting at the dog park every day. David had the most amazing smile I had ever seen and I dreamt of what it would be like to kiss him every night. Finally, a month later, we went on our first date to the movies. It was a magical evening that ended in our first kiss. It was even a better kiss then I had imagined.

The first six months went in a whirlwind of amazing sexual encounters and lots of new experiences. We had both fallen in love with each other, but somehow I knew David loved me more. It wasn’t that I didn’t think he was a great guy, I just wasn’t sure he was “the one”. A year into our relationship, he started mentioning marriage and kids. This freaked me out big time as I was still only 21 years old and didn’t even know if I wanted kids yet.

The more he fell in love with me, the more I became unsure. It was horrible watching him put his whole heart into our relationship, while I just went with the flow. My friends and family started to notice I wasn’t as enthusiastic about David as I once was, yet he remained clueless. Once we hit our two-year mark, I knew it wasn’t fair on David anymore and attempted my first “break up” conversation. It didn’t go to plan and I ended up agreeing to let him move into my flat, so we could finally start our lives together. David had a way with words, matched with those adorable puppy dog eyes, and I had a soft spot for him because deep down inside I did still love him, I just wasn’t sure I was in love with him.

A week before he was going to move into my flat, I tried to have the “break up” conversation again, which ended with him moving in a day earlier. These types of events followed for the next five months and I was getting really frustrated with myself for not having the strength to be honest with David. By now he had mapped out our whole lives together and I didn’t want a bar of it.

One night when I was over at my girlfriend’s house, I confided in her about the whole situation. That was the night we came up with the plan. In David’s eyes I was complete wife material, I could do no wrong. Even if I did get around to breaking up with him, he would continue to chase me until I went back. That was when my friend suggested I pretend that I had cheated on him. That way it would take me off the pedestal David placed me on and hopefully end the relationship for good.

The thought of crushing him like that broke my heart more than the thought of not being with him anymore, but I had to do something drastic in order for David to move on. So I organised a night out on the town with a bunch of my girlfriends. Already David was shady about the idea, seeing as I barely went out for drinks with them anymore, but he still wanted me to have a good time. I think he sensed something was wrong because as I was leaving he whispered in my ear, “Darling please don’t drink too much. I worry about you, be good”. I cried as soon as I got outside the door, but straightened up by the time I reached the pub.

Of course, I was never going to actually cheat, but I did need to get very drunk so it was more believable. During the night, David texted me three times and it was hard not to just text him back because I knew he was worrying, but I had to remind myself, that was the point. Seven drinks later, I stumbled home at 2am, which was highly unusual for me and found David asleep on the couch, obviously waiting for my arrival. He woke to my footsteps and ran straight over and hugged me. “What happened, baby? I was so worried,” he said. That was my cue for the waterworks. I cried and cried, real tears and some fake ones too. “I’m so sorry David, but I cheated on you.”

Those words were the saddest but most freeing words I had ever said in my life. The next few days went in a blur. David moved out and barely spoke to me. I didn’t regret my decision for the first few months, I just wished I didn’t have to use such a terrible lie. I have seen his family and friends around since and the looks they give me could kill.

Lately though, I do find myself missing him more and more. I think we could have really made it as a couple, if we had met later in life. I guess I will never know now because why would he want a cheating girlfriend back. I dug myself quite a hole.

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